The Insider predicts your future . . . because we can

Wondering what’s in store for you this summer, Concord? Well, wonder no more! We whipped up some summer horoscopes for you. No, we don’t have any professional training in astrology, but we do have professional training in making stuff up. Plus, we won’t charge you $4.99 a minute for our nonsense. In fact, we’re proud to give you nonsense free of charge, every week!

So, sit back, relax and enjoy your summer horoscopes, readers. If any of it happens to come true, drop us a line at news@theconcordinsider.com. Then we can begin charging you the low price of $3.99 a minute. Guaranteed.
The Insiders

Aries (March 21-April 19): Since Aries is considered to be a fire sign, you are advised to stay out of the sun this summer, because you’re hot enough already. Luckily for you, the summer forecast looks like it will rain during your every waking moment, so you won’t miss much. Rather than cursing the rain this summer, you should look at it as a blessing.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Because Venus rules Taurus, you may want to consider packing up and taking a trip there for a week or two. Your kids will understand why trips to the White Park pool had to be traded in for extreme sunbathing on the second closest planet to the sun. Just be sure to pack lots of shorts and possibly a portable fan, because the average temperature is 900 degrees. Oh, and lots of juice boxes.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Expect to find love at Market Days this year. You will be eating fried dough when you spot your soul mate across a mound of powdered sugar. He or she will ask you for a piece of your fried dough, and although you would typically be outraged by such a request, you two will be sharing the treat “Lady and the Tramp” style in no time.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): After your birthday gets rained out, you’ll be tempted to run through downtown Concord, flailing your arms and screaming “why?!” The stars advise you to hold back from doing so, because you never know who you may knock over, and you could find yourself in The Insider’s police log the following week.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Your coworkers will have something to tell you mid-July that you may not like to hear. It will regard the way you always heat up smelly foods in the company microwave that stink up the whole office. You will be offended at first, but within time you’ll understand the need for their intervention. Come mid-August, you’ll have far more work friends.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In a quest to break the Guinness World Record of most cardigans owned by one person, you will attempt to break into City Manger Tom Aspell’s office and steal his collection of button-up sweaters. However, upon meeting Tom, you will feel guilty and the two of you will become fast buddies instead. Hurray for happy endings!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): After enjoying one too many burritos at Dos Amigos, you will decide to go on a diet. By the beginning of August, you’ll be back in shape. At this point, you will find yourself frequenting Dos Amigos once again . . . just because you can. It’s a vicious cycle, but, oh-so-delicious.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Stay away from scorpions, because although they are your astrological symbol, they can still hurt you. If you opt to ignore this advice, don’t expect us to pay your Concord Hospital medical bills. We’re just going to shake our heads and say, “I told you so.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Repeat after us: You are not the fourth Jonas brother. This advice may seem odd now, but it will all make a lot of sense when you find yourself face to face with Joe Jonas at the Barley House. Yes, we will be surprised to see him there as well, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to eat off of his plate. Got it?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You will receive a parking ticket on Main Street in late July. You will think that there’s time left in the meter, but you will be looking at the wrong one and be stunned when you see the ticket under your windshield wiper. You’d think this horoscope would be enough of a warning for you not to do this, but you still will because the stars destined it to be so.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): After getting into a heated argument with a Libra, you will storm off and go into hiding in the Concord Public Library’s basement. Here you will meet Bigfoot, who apparently has also been hanging out there. However, when you discover Bigfoot is also a Libra, you will flee the library at once. Where you end up . . . nobody knows.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Impressed by The Insider’s horoscopes, you will send them a nice letter, telling them how much you love The Insider. They will appreciate this greatly after being bombarded by several angry letters from people who did not like their horoscopes very much (mostly Capricorns).