When a friend, family member, colleague or neighbor is diagnosed with cancer, how do you decide the best way to support this person? You know you want to help, but you want to avoid being intrusive or burdensome, always respecting their privacy. When diagnosed with cancer, people are overwhelmed with doctor’s appointments, processing information and dealing with their cancer diagnosis. There is often too much going on to seek help, despite the fact that help is exactly what the patient or caregiver needs.
Some local breast cancer survivors were asked what acts of kindness helped them and here is what they shared.
∎ Reach out
By phone, email, card or a quick visit in person, let the person know you are thinking of them. Don’t avoid a friend just because you are not sure what to say. Just be a friend.
“Receiving notes, cards, emails and phone messages meant so much to me. Knowing that people cared was healing and helped me stay positive.”
Donna, 10-year survivor
∎ Listen
Really listen. Acknowledge the difficulty of the challenge, without offering stories from others with cancer, unless they are positive and hopeful. Everyone’s experience is unique and everyone needs to process in their own way.
“The most meaningful acts of kindness were the ones that were sincere. Just knowing friends were there for me when I needed them was so important. It is about empathy. Remember to think about what the patient is going through.”
Cathy, 6-year survivor
∎ Offer specific assistance
Drive to doctor’s appointments or drive children to activities, shop for groceries or go to the drug store. Prepare a simple meal. Use disposable pans and list ingredients. mealtrain.com is a free calendar that can be used by friends to schedule meals for the family. Dietary restrictions and favorites can be listed. This shared calendar allows people to see what others have made during the week, so that the family doesn’t have to eat lasagna every night. Protein and calcium are important for healing. Consider placing a cooler at the door, so meals can be dropped off without disturbing the patient.
“When a neighbor called on the way to the grocery store to ask if I needed anything, it was very helpful and I didn’t feel like I was a burden.”
Patty, 3-year survivor
∎ Clean the house
Ask what a good day is to come by for two hours and clean whatever needs cleaning. Use low-scent products, as people who feel ill may find strong cleaning products offensive. Offer to do a load of laundry.
“A friend came by and cleaned my bathroom for me. A clean bathroom is a gift to anyone.”
Rebecca, 1-year survivor
∎ Work responsibilities
Offer to help with work-related tasks, especially for co-workers. If giving up your vacation days is an option, consider the impact of a day off to someone in treatment.
“Colleagues pulled together to cover some of my duties, allowing me time to leave a bit early to get to treatments and continue to have my job.”
Lori, 5-year survivor
∎ Remember the caregiver
Reach out to the primary caregiver to offer a break or listen to their concerns.
“Caregivers are partners on this cancer journey. Notes and calls to them to support them
will be helpful for them as well.”
Donna, 10-year survivor
Advice for the cancer patient from survivors
∎ Create an email distribution list or blog
Blind copy your distribution list, ensuring everyone’s privacy and any responding will only be replying to you.
“I appreciated that I could send an email to my family and friends, updating them on what was going on with my journey, without having to talk to all of them on the phone. People cared about what was happening. A blast email allowed me to update them without having to expend energy on every conversation.”
Jennifer, 1-year survivor
∎ Be kind to yourself
Do what you can, when you can – let go of the small stuff, relax and be sure you get enough rest! Your body needs a lot more energy to heal, so prioritize your tasks, do what you must, and let the rest go.
∎ It is okay to feel what you feel
Everyone processes cancer in their own way. Give yourself permission to be angry, sad,
frustrated or hopeful.
∎ Listen to your doctor and avoid unwarranted advice
Talk with your doctor about any questions or concerns. Select trusted websites for information, like cancer.org or cancer.gov. Ignore “advice” from well-meaning yet possibly uniformed friends.
∎ Accept help
Perhaps it is allowing a co-worker to cover for you or to let a neighbor make a meal for your family. Learning to accept help is part of the process beyond cancer.
“It is sometimes hard to accept that you need or want help – but if ever there is a time in your life when you should accept help – this is it.”
Donna, 10-year survivor
∎ Seek programs in your community
Educational programs and support groups are available in every community. Consider the value of sharing with others that are on the same path as you or are beyond their treatment. Support groups offer an opportunity to share and hear from others who understand your situation and share your concerns.
“My advice would be to go at least once to a support group. See what you can get out of it. You may be pleasantly surprised at what you take away.”
Pauline, 10-year survivor
