Dear Casper and Bill,
My boyfriend has disgusting toenails and needs constant reminders to trim them. He says he hates doing it, but I hate looking at them even more. I especially can't stand when he rubs them up on me when he's sleeping. What's the best way to get him to take a clipper to those things?
Dear Yuck,
What a loser you have there. How can you stand him? It is time to be very forceful and attack with all the tools you can think of.
Let's begin with your getting a mild but very effective sedative and put it in one of his favorite drinks. Maybe even two tablets. Go to one of your favorite boutique stores and buy the most outrageous toenail polish you have ever seen; think what Lady Gaga would wear.
Be sure it has all the goodies: wild colors, fluorescent, silver/gold sparkles, too. When you see your fungi-toed worm passing out, drag him to bed, remove his yuck socks and shoes and get to work. Brush those foul digits with all the layers you can smear on those buggers.
Be sure to have a new toenail cutter on hand the next morning for him to start chopping away. If he likes the nails, he is definitely not the man for you – or most anyone else for that matter – unless he stars in La Cage Aux Folles.
