Dear Bill and Casper,
I want to propose to my longtime girlfriend, but I'm not the most romantic soul out there – a fact she reminds me of quite often. I'd like our engagement to be something special and, assuming she says yes, memorable. How did you two decide to get married?
Dear Not So Romantic,
First off, until the federal government recognizes marriage for all, we do not consider ourselves married.
But on to your question: we suggest you go to Margaritas Mexican Restaurant in Concord and get one of the fabulous tables in a cell (this is an old jail, after all). Order two margaritas and carefully slip your ring into her glass. Sip very gently and have the mariachi band play “Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend,” and then toast her by saying “Let's get hitched, honey.”
If she says “Adios, amigo,” you know it did not go too well, but at least it will be memorable. But we know she'll say, 'Si, mi amor,' and you'll be hitched before you know it. Good luck.
Dear Bill and Casper,
My son is getting married in a few months and I have a big problem: I'm not a big fan of his bride-to-be. She's pleasant enough and seems to make him happy, but there's something about her that I don't entirely trust. She seems like kind of a phony to me. To top matters off, they're pretty young – only 18 and 19. This isn't 1970, so what's the rush? I've tried to drop subtle hints to my son about my apprehensions, but he brushes my concerns off as matronly squabbling. How do you suggest approaching this delicate situation?
Dear Queen Bee,
Oh, relax already. You're already acting too much like a mother-in-law. Mickey Rooney married Ava Gardner when he was only 17 and she was 18. It lasted for a full two years. Rooney and Larry King, (who was also married at 18, by the way) each had eight marriages by the time they finally settled with their lasting mate. What bliss!
So she is not up to your standards, eh? No girl will ever be! And why? Because he is your son! You won't likely succeed in your over-protective motherly quest until he joins the seminary.
Let them make their own beds. We suggest to forever hold your peace.
