Dear Casper and Bill,
I recently met a girl who's fine and dandy. She's fun, smart and funny, but – as you probably guessed – there's a problem: She has three enormous Great Danes (all males) who scare the crap out of me. They don't like men, and one of them even sleeps in her bed. Going over to her house isn't fun because I fear being mauled. Any suggestions on how to cope?
Dear Danish Dandy,
We have your problem solved and with great gusto: The Danes know who you are – another male threatening their alpha roles and your strange girlfriend who seems to have a very serious problem as to who shares her bed. But as long as you are oddly interested in her, it's time to fool the dogs! Think and act like a lady. That's right – think feminine! Don't be embarrassed. Many men are cross dressers and very happy, along with their mates. Go immediately to a second-hand store and buy some pretty dresses, blouses, earrings, perfume. Wanna splurge on a faux diamond ring? Don't forget the spiked heels, and practice walking at home before you break your neck. (It's your business about the undies.) Oh, what the heck, go all the way! Only your girlfriend will know. Kick the bedridden Danes out of the room. Become the man you are, and magically you will become the love of her life!
P.S. What you do about your chest area is up to you. Think 38D. Have a nice life, Fido.
Dear Casper and Bill,
I'm a single dad, and this year I started coaching my son's soccer team. It's a lot of fun, but I have to confess that my favorite part of practice is checking out all the hot soccer moms. There's one in particular that I'm sure is checking me out in return. I want to make a move, but I worry that it would be inappropriate as a coach. What should I do? I'm tired of scoring nothing but “own goals.”
Dear Don't You Dare,
Seems to us that you're keeping your eyes on the wrong goal. You are seeing hotsy moms with desirous attributes for your selfish satisfaction. Meanwhile the team is probably getting the wrong calls since your eyes seem to be not on the game but on the tight pants and sweaters of the boys' moms. Have you even found out who is single or married? Probably not. You just want to “score your own goals.”
It's time to move on before they are on to you and you get punched out or worse. Think of your son. Go fishing, golfing, join Big Brothers, hiking, skiing, go to a gay bar. No women to get you in trouble. Hahaha.
