THE FILM SNOB

The (worst) movies of 2012

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Every time the SNOB Film Festival comes to town, our own Food Snob gets very excited. How many people can say there is a festival named after them? When the news is broken that the name stands for Somewhat North Of Boston and has nothing to do with the Food Snob, the Snob flies into a rage and uses the Insider to vent toward all things movie-related. Here are the Snob’s reviews of the top films of 2012.
 
Prometheus: Michael Fassbender ruins an otherwise decent film with his lifeless, devoid-of-emotion portrayal of space explorer David.
 
The Hunger Games: An obvious ploy to sell more popcorn in the lobby.
 
Ted: Turns out, that fever dream I had about Mark Wahlberg and a foul-mouthed talking teddy bear was actually a movie trailer.
 
Red Tails: After making this movie, George Lucas sold LucasArts and basically quit filmmaking. What does that tell you?
 
The Five Year Engagement: Hard to believe this movie was only five years long – it seemed like a lifetime!
 
21 Jump Street: This movie came out this year. We may have set our clocks back slightly too far.
 
Katy Perry: Part of Me in 3D: Oooh, which part? Oh, really? Never mind.
 
Shut Up and Play the Hits: Actually, we can forgo the hits.
 
The Paperboy: Another video game movie? Be more original, Hollywood!
 
Underworld: Awakening: Most of the awakening actually takes place during the credits, when moviegoers are shaken from their slumber by ushers.
 
The Grey: This movie is about a bunch of people in a plane crash that keep dying until one of them doesn’t fight a wolf.
 
Wanderlust: I really identified with the characters, in that I found myself wandering out of the theater about 45 minutes in.
 
Man on a Ledge: “Why is that man on a ledge?” “He just saw Man on a Ledge!”
 
Act Of Valor: Did you know that this movie starred real, active-duty Marines? The acting was so good, you would think that they were on furlough, but no – active duty!
 
Battleship: Rihanna’s film debut (she played a red peg).
 
Haywire: “Hey, why’re we still watching this movie – it is awful!”
 
Life of Pi: This was the alternate title for American Reunion, right?
 
Alex Cross: Madea goes deep undercover as an international spy. That lady is crazy!
 
Chernobyl Diaries: Dear Diary, Last night I watched a terrible movie.
 
Lincoln: Easily the worst movie about Abraham Lincoln to come out this year. . .
 
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter: . . .including this one.
 
The Sessions: John Hawkes goes full polio.
 
Frankenweenie: Isn’t this the name of Rush Limbaugh’s new book?
 
The Master: Hey, Joaquin Phoenix: No one has unretired to make a picture this embarrassing since Brett Favre.

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