The Film Snob

Envelope, please – capsule reviews of all the Best Picture nominees

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As you may know, when our resident food critic The Food Snob isn't stuffing his craw with the finest delicacies Concord has to offer, he's stuffing his eyes and brain with movies. And, with the Academy Awards taking place just last weekend, he's a bit more stuffed than usual. Before you seek out and watch this year's Best Picture nominees, check out his reviews. You might save a couple of hours or a couple of bucks.

The Artist - I was very disappointed that this film was not the weird, Latter Day Saints version of the film formerly known as Purple Rain. Plus, it was silent! If I wanted to pay eight bucks to watch people's lips move without really saying anything, I would have donated to Mitt Romney's campaign.

War Horse - How many times is Hollywood going to force-feed us the same old story? Spoiler alert: Boy meets horse, horse kicks Hitler in the face, boy marries horse and they live happily ever after.

The Descendents - A lock for "Best Utterly Forgettable Family/Real Estate Dramedy Featuring Ukulele and Matthew Lillard." There's still an Oscar for that, right? At least we got to see George Clooney run awkwardly in Crocs (crocwardly?).

Tree of Life - Of course, socialist, progressive Hollywood would nominate this retelling of Dr. Seuss's ham-handed anti-industrialist allegory. Starring Brad Pitt as the Lorax.

Moneyball - Screenplay writer Aaron Sorkin has done it again with his adaptation of a book on the riveting subject of sabermetrics. First Facebook and now baseball statistics? Which compelling topic will he tackle next? This film also features the last known performance of "Fat Jonah Hill." He will be missed.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - I first heard about this project in pre-production, when the working title was A Conversation With Donald Trump.

Midnight in Paris - Wasn't this already the name of one of Paris Hilton's adult home videos?

The Help - Emma Stone dazzles as a present-day 20-something who travels through time and acts all modern around some 1960s servants. Between this and last year's "The Blind Side," I think it's safe to say that racism has been pretty much fixed.

Hugo - Martin Scorcese's film was very similar to my freshman year film history class, in that a: it was all about turn-of-the-century filmmaker Georges Melies and b: I fell asleep.

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