Who knows what 2010 holds – money? Fame? Ponies? Famous ponies?
Although we’re by no means a credible astrological source (we just play one on TV), we took a stab at 2010’s horoscopes. You may be surprised at just how accurate they are. More likely, you’ll be surprised that we get paid to make this stuff up. We know we are.
Aries (March 21 to April 20): Being the first astrological sign in the Zodiac hasn’t been easy for you. We know you’ve been under a lot of pressure, trying to be a good example for the later signs, but 2010 is the year for you to let your hair down. Just be careful not to let it down too much. Actually, you’re probably safer not letting it down at all. You don’t want Taurus running amuck and ruining everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve.
Taurus (April 21 to May 20): Stop letting Aries push you around in 2010 and take charge. Aries is going to be like, “Don’t worry, Taurus, I got it,” but you should be all like, “No you don’t, Aries, because I’ve got it.” Aries will then say something along the lines of, “But Taurus, I’m the first astrological sign in the zodiac. Not you.” At this point you should probably ignore Aries and attempt to run the show anyway.
Gemini (May 21 to June 21): Concord will begin to bore you in the beginning of 2010, and you’ll find yourself itching to get out of town by March. After putting aside enough dough, you’ll take an exotic trip to a faraway land like Penacook or maybe even Pembroke if you’re lucky. Just be sure to send us a postcard!
Cancer (June 22 to July 22): Cancer, you are ruled by the moon and so you should probably go visit it. We know that may not be feasible due to your budget or busy work schedule, but you’ll find by mid-June that the McAuliffe-Shepard Discovery Center will be enough to keep your moon-yearnings at bay.
Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): Although you are a fire sign, you’re going to find yourself quite chilly in 2010. After many days of shivering, a vision will come to you while walking down Green Street, and it will become clear what you must do. That vision will be none other than Tom Aspell heading into city hall. You’ll notice how toasty he looks in his cardigan, and you’ll immediately run to the store and stock up on cardigans, too. To your dismay, they will all be sold out because Tom bought them all. However, patience is a virtue and in good time you’ll have a cardigan of your own.
Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): Since you’re greatly compatible with Taurus, you’re going to have to play mediator in 2010 when Taurus and Aries don’t get along. Taurus may become irked with you and think you’re taking Aries’s side, but by late August Taurus will understand where you were coming from. You’ll be relieved because it will almost be your birthday and you’ll want Taurus to buy you something nice this year.
Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 23): The Libra’s life is all about balance. You’ll put that to the test when you join the circus to become a tight-rope walker. You’ll miss your friends and family greatly by the end of summer, but you’ll suddenly find you have plenty of new friends in the circus. Good for you, Libra!
Scorpio (Oct. 24 to Nov. 22): In an attempt to revitalize Concord’s nightlife, you’ll start your own band. When that fails, you’ll get your bartending license. When that too fails, you’ll go hang out in Manchester.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 to Dec. 22): If you’re single, you’ll find yourself lucky in love. If you’re taken, you’ll find yourself unlucky in love and suddenly single. But since you’ll then be single, you’ll find yourself lucky in love once again. This will be an ongoing cycle for you until 2011.
Capricorn (Dec. 23 to Jan. 19): Gov. John Lynch will give you a call in September, but then realize he had the wrong number. He’ll apologize profusely and hang up. After several moments, your phone will ring and it will be Gov. Lynch once again. “What number am I dialing?” he’ll ask. You’ll tell him your phone number and then he’ll say, “I’m sorry. I reversed the last two digits.” You’re phone won’t ring again for several days.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 and Feb. 19): You’re going to have a difficult time getting along with your coworkers at the start of the year, but things will get a lot better once you purchase the office a box of chocolates. A month after the chocolate incident, you’ll get more responsibilities that may equal a promotion. Your coworkers won’t become jealous of you as long as you keep supplying the chocolates.
Pisces (Feb. 20 to March 20): If we told you what was going to happen to you in 2010, you wouldn’t believe us. So, we’re not telling you.
