If you’re reading this, congratulations – you have survived the Mayan apocalypse, and hopefully without resorting to looting, mob rule or watching episodes of Mob Doctor. As the newly appointed Public Information Officer for U.S. Region 6, which includes New Mayanhampshire, I am now your guide to surviving post-apocalyptic Concord, and the following column is your instruction guide to the gritty reboot of our reality. As the blond guy said in The Terminator, come with me if you want to live.
For starters, you’ll note that you’re holding this column in your hand, on paper. Computers are largely offline in Region 6 for the time being, due to the electromagnetic pulse. Just for the record, the pulse wasn’t the Mayans – it was a really raucous “Rock On Apocalypse” party in Penacook. The electric transformers couldn’t handle the host’s karaoke version of “American Pie” and basically blew themselves up. Acting U.S. President Hasselhoff has promised that computers will come back online within the next two years, which is when the singer will get through all the verses to the song.
This is just one of many adjustments we’re all going to have to make as we try to live in peace and post-apocalyptic harmony. Some, like the paper, are fairly benign; others are more serious. For example: please do NOT, under any circumstances, say the words “waffle fries” in front of the Daniel Webster statue at the State House. As you recall, the big bronze piece somehow came to life right as the giant frogs were hopping their way down Main Street, jumping down from his concrete perch and pounding on the door of every restaurant in the downtown area, shouting “What must a man do to get waffle fries in this town?” Finally a few firefighters calmed him down with a chili dog, some chips and a large fountain drink, but it’s a tentative peace at best. Just don’t provoke him. And try to avoid mentions of condiments that go well with waffle fries – for example, don’t go over there and say “I bought some really great chipotle mayonnaise at the farmers market,” cause who knows where that could lead.
On a related note: all Care Bears have now come to life, too, and not always for the better. I ran into one rollerskating past the library and gently reminded him that Acting Governor Sandler has asked that there be no skating inside the security perimeter until his emergency order expires. “Emergency order?” he said with a shrug. “See if I care,” and he made a rude gesture toward the police station as he skated on.
I guess I just thought they’d do more caring, you know?
Lastly, remember not everything has changed. The Co-op is still making that good miso soup, the Arts Market is still on for next summer, and Justin Bieber is still the top draw on the concert circuit – his new record “What’s Yours Is Mayan” is really fantastic. I will have LP copies and concert tickets available for sale next week; just remember that paper money and coins have been replaced with Pokemon cards. Yes, there’s a good chance your neighbor’s 10-year-old daughter now owns your mortgage.
We will get through this, Concord! We will be strong and resolute. We will be determined and hopeful. And above all, we will not blame the region’s public information officer for any problems that crop up! I’m literally just the messenger!