Dear Ball and Chain,
My brother and I were outside practicing kissing in the backyard. We weren't doing anything wrong, honest, just practice kissing for when we get older and get boyfriends and girlfriends. I'm gonna marry Justin Bieber and my brother is in LOVE with Selena Gomez. Anyway, the boy who lives next door saw us and said that brothers and sisters shouldn't kiss and that he was gonna tell his parents on us! My brother shoved him down and told him not to tell or else, and so far we don't think he's said anything, but we're worried that he is gonna tell on us sometime and we'll get in trouble. What should we do? Is there a way to shut him up for good so that no one ever finds out?
Dear Gonna Be Sorry,
Yuck, yuck, yuck, gargle, gargle, gargle - get me the mouthwash quick! We're gonna use duct tape on both your lips and send you to the famous Kissing Bandit! He'll teach you how to kiss without making fools of yourselves in front of your horny neighbor. The Bandit lives in Concord and loves teenyboppers like you two. He's made many movies showing the art of kissing like "Dracula, the Hunk" and "Dracula, the Musical." Rated PG, too!
But first, you must get rid of the nosy voyeur next door. Invite this peeping tom to your place, pucker up your lips, and give him a whopper of a kiss. Have your brother "Kiss Cam" him with his iPhone with the threat of showing it on Facebook, Twitter and to his parents. That takes care of him. If you two don't stop your outside public mouth-to-mouth exercises, by the time you MIGHT (in your dreams) meet Justin and Selena, you are gonna have worn down your lips and tongues so that you'll look like senior citizens without their dentures. Your mouths all caved in too - ugh! Also, Justin is gonna marry Selena. They're gonna have 12 kids. He's gonna be bald, Selena's gonna weigh 200 pounds and gonna be very happy living in El Paso, Texas. You two are gonna enjoy life in Transylvania and will be touring with Dracula, the Kissing Bandit forever and ever and ever. Yuck, yuck, yuck. . .