(Editor's note: While on an expedition in his yard Brady Carlson claims to have caught a case of Academy Award fever, and has written this column under the assumption that he has just won an Oscar in the heretofore non-existent category of Best Moral Support for a Walrus in a Musical or Animated Feature.)
Thank you all so much! Wow, this is turning into a truly magical evening for all of us here, except for Joan Rivers, who has somehow gotten locked in a stall in the ladies' room. But for those sitting near her, those seven burrito cheese melts Joan ordered are now up for grabs, thus proving there every cloud has a silver lining, even if not every stall in the ladies' room has a functioning door.
There are so many people to thank – my family, for all the love and support, and for backing me up every time I said I had a “family emergency” when I just didn't feel like working. Which I probably shouldn't have mentioned in public.
And to the cast and crew, you all know that Walrus Without a Cause would have never happened without you. Our director, our producer. . . I assume we had those, right? Let me check on that, just a sec. . . (stares at phone for an uncomfortably long time, while humming the theme to Beverly Hills Cop). According to Wikipedia, this film was “written, produced and directed by a robotic cow with the voice of Alfred Hitchcock.” That sounds believable and accurate – thank you, robotic Hitch-cow, for believing in us.
And Lionel Richie, of course, for the great songs – seriously, everybody I met tonight was humming the chorus to “Three Times a Walrus!” And I'm really sorry for that little incident where I stood outside your house and sang “All Night Long”. . . well, all night long. I'll clean up all the party streamers in your yard this weekend. I think there's still a deviled egg tray out there if you're hungry.
And last but not least, our star, our captain, our walrus, Beauregarde. It is – (pauses for standing ovation) – it is hard to believe that just a year ago, he was hosting karaoke for barge workers at the Wet n' Wild offshore nightclub somewhere between North Carolina and Bermuda, and look at him now! He's got incredible range, so many gifts – though I told him to keep playing discouraged walrus roles for a while, cause I need the work!
Anyway, I was going to wrap up here, but I'd marked about six spots where you, the audience, were supposed to laugh or applaud, and you mostly didn't. I have a lot more time than I thought I was going to have. . . so. . . um. . . I will now recite, from memory, a list of Oscar-winning movies reworded to include references to Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin. (clears throat). The Age of Lin-nocence. Barry Lin-don. (the “wrap up” music begins playing) A Lin-convenient Truth. March of the Peng-lins. . . (At this point, actors Daniel Craig, Gary Oldman and Michael Caine rush the podium and begin dragging me away. At the back of the room Joan Rivers is spotted swearing and throwing burritos at the stage.)
One more! Dangerous Lin-aisons! (The entire audience, minus a sleeping Elton John, comes after me. I am able to narrowly escape thanks to the quick intervention of Beauregarde the walrus and, inexplicably, Lindsay Lohan. Turns out she owns a jetpack.)